I grabbed my waist as the pain intensified and forced me to bend over. I could hardly walk, much less- stand upright. I ran to the bathroom and found some blood but it wasn’t much. I was at work so I didn’t have much privacy nor resources. I didn’t think it was anything abnormal. I figured it was either implantation pain or just…that’s what I told myself. The pain got so bad I couldn’t stand anymore so I quickly told my manager that I needed to go home asap. I was on the way home, called my mom. She said that maybe we needed to go to the ER. The bleeding became worse as the pain heightened. My mom drove me to the emergency room and we waited for 45 minutes before we were seen. My dad arrived soon, too. I never thought that it could turn out so badly, I just figured my baby would be okay and that this was just a false alarm. I hoped to God that this would just be a false alarm.
I am in the bare, white, echoing room with my mom and then my dad. They run some tests. They do some exams, and then the Dr. comes back and tells me that I am miscarrying. My baby has died and my body is trying to pass them now. I am looking straight at the Dr’s face and I can hear my mom let out a painful cry. Time stopped right then. I didn’t say anything, I just nodded my head as the words flowed so effortlessly out of the PA’s mouth. I couldn’t bare to look at my mom or dad, I just stared at the wall. My mind was blank and so was the expression on my face. The pressure began to build up behind my eyes but I felt nothing. The tears let themselves out and this would be the beginning to a never ending stream of pain. They were warm and wet and I tried to stop it but they just let themselves drain. She asked if I was ok and I just nodded my head and the lady left the room to give us a “minute.” I forced myself to look down as the water leaked from my eyes onto the hospital apron. I couldn’t say anything. I felt numb, and I felt weird. I still had this blank look on my face, the muscles in my cheeks hadn’t even flinched. I couldn’t process it I just wanted the pain and the tears to stop. I didn’t want my parents to see me crying, I felt helpless. I continued to bleed out and I laid there as time and life went on without me.
It was just me, my mom, and my dad in the small room. I could hear my mom sobbing as my dad consoled her. I finally craned my neck to look at them. My dad got up and gave me a hug as my mom crouched in the chair, crying- a sound of misery that I can’t ever forget nor try to describe. I could see the tears welling up in my dad’s eyes as he tried to make sure we were both okay. My jaw was clenched and the tears stained my face even more. The lady came back in and I had to sign release papers that stated I had a miscarriage and she asked if I needed a dr’s note for work. I shook my head no as I grasped the pen and signed my name. That was it. We left the hospital as life continued to leave me and I went to bed that night feeling nothing but pain.
I was 21 and single. I didn’t know how to handle losing a child. I hadn’t even processed the fact that I was pregnant and what that meant. I was just really sad that my baby was gone. I felt confused, hurt, and vulnerable during this time. I knew my parents were heartbroken about losing a grandchild too. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. I didn’t want to.
“Good thing you lost your baby now so you’re not as attached” said my counselor I was seeing at the time. That was insane. That was like saying “Good thing your child died at age 6 instead of 8 so you won’t be as attached to them. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt so much shame and guilt for becoming pregnant without having a husband. Obviously I knew having sex outside of marriage was a sin against God, but I had also convinced myself that becoming pregnant was too and this was what I deserved. I was so excited to be a mom, amidst the anxiety and worry I felt about it all. I know that I am forgiven now and that pregnancy is not a sin. Sex outside of marriage, yes a deep sin, but becoming pregnant no. A child is a gift from God. God did not allow my baby to die because of me. I do not know why He allowed it to happen but what I do know is that it was not outside of His perfect will or sovereign grace. Something that has taken years to accept, but was written for me in His Word to lovingly grasp right now in the present. So I am here to tell you that no, losing a baby is not your fault it is a consequence of living in a fallen world…death is. I’ll never know why we lose babies in the womb or why this could be part of God’s imperial pleasure but what I do know is that God is God and I am not. He is just, He is mercy, He is grace. Nobody deserves life at all, we all deserve death for our sins against Him. It is because of His mercy that we have life at all. We won’t have all the answers now, but the answers we do have speak into the decayed, marred, broken marrow of my souls existence and brings me to life.
It was by the grace of God that He even allowed me to carry a child in the first place. I didn’t deserve such an honor. Because of the sin of the first Adam, we all deserve death and hell. Because of the mercy of God, who sent His only Son, we have hope for eternal life through Jesus. A lot of my anger was directed at God because my baby was gone, but when I came to understand who God is and who I am, I realized that I had misplaced my anger. I am a wretched sinner. God is a good, loving, holy, righteous, gracious, merciful God. He is perfect and holy. We are not.
His will is sovereign and full of grace. We do not dictate our life based on our standards but on His. His grace is made known to us through the Gospel and it is when I look upon His written words that I humbly admit my need for Him and confess my unbelief. I am not the author of my life, He is. Just because I go through hardship or heartache doesn’t mean that is the absence of God. How little do we think of God….
I sing for joy because God is supreme. I bless His name because He is wonderful. He has sent His Son to take on the penalty for our sin. He has redeemed us. There is hope for places that are filled with death and decay. His name is Jesus. Yes, God looks upon me with favor through His Son, Christ. The hardships I have experienced on this side of heaven doesn’t compare to the eternal glory that He has waiting for me after. I didn’t do anything to deserve His favor. It is all because of His great mercy that He sent His Son. Because we are saved though faith, we can know that every hardship is contributing to our holiness. Philippians 1:6 states that God will carry out the good work He started in us to the day of completion. Philippians 2:13 says that it is God who works and wills in us to carry out His good work. You read that? It is God who regenerates your wicked heart, not you. Because we are saved by faith through grace, we are saved by faith unto works willed in us through the Spirit. So a believer who is regenerate will bear fruit unto His name. This is great news for those who hope in Christ.
So because of what the Word of God says, we know that a life is a life no matter what stage. We hold ourselves to the standard of God and if we settle for less we are paving the way to hell for ourselves. The Bible is clear about the sanctity of life. We see the God of the Bible values human life (Genesis 1:27), and I am constantly dumbfounded at a society where this is debated. People fight for equal rights, yet they deny the sacredness of a child’s life in a mother’s womb. We are made in His image and woven together by God—what grace He has shown us even from conception. We must be reminded that all life is of value to our precious Creator. You are deeply loved, passionately pursued, and a precious child of God. The extent of God’s grace brings me to tears. He pursued us intimately, even from the very beginning. God is still God whether or not a baby is in the womb or born into this world. When we deny the sanctity of human life, we are blatantly denying the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth. I urge you to take hold of the Truth and remain steadfast to regard all human life as a precious gift from our God, who is eternally fearful and wonderful.
Fast forward 2 years.
There are many days where I grieve the loss of my child. Every day as a matter of fact, I grieve the loss. I could have a two year old running around my house, laughing and crying. Some days I swear I hear that.
But alas, I have nothing to show for my child that I carried. Just pain and memories of a life that could have been. My sister has just given birth to…TWINS. The one who got married before me. She has given life to two beautiful human beings whom God has created in His image. Russlyn and Gabriella are reminders for me that God is sovereign and that His grace is sufficient…on my best days and worst. He is the author of life and ordains it. God has graciously given my sister, Nikki, these children and I couldn’t be more ecstatic for her or for them. He gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! I wish I had my child with me now, I deeply miss them and will always mourn who they would have been. I know that God is sovereign over my life. He has shown me that it is because of His great love and mercy that I am here today…that anyone is here today. Whatever He wills is holy and just and my prayer for you today is that you would trust that.
-h.
“Good thing it happened now instead of happening later because that way you’re not as attached.”
wHaT. I was in disbelief, as my counselor let these words pass his lips.
I literally had just disclosed with him that I had suffered a painful miscarriage at 11 weeks. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That was like saying “good thing your 10 year old died before he was 18 because that way you’re not as attached.” My face started to heat up as my jaw clenched. I was so mad. A life is a life no matter what stage, and his logic was so bogus I had to restrain myself. That would be one of our last sessions.
sanctifyingsurgery 