healed but still broken

that sick feeling you get when you find out terrible news. that moment when you clench your jaw and smile while holding in tears that you can feel building. that panic feeling you get when you lose something and cant remember where you put it. when you try your hardest but it still doesn’t work. when someone you love tells you they don’t love you. when your knuckles turn white from holding onto something or someone. that moment your world falls apart with no warning. when you hurt so bad inside you start to become numb. when the numbness turns into anger. that pain of losing something you once had. when all you want to do is cry but you have to be strong. when people you love, leave. when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep. that grief of moving on. the nostalgia of change. when people change. when the rug is pulled out from underneath you. when you keep a straight face but tears are streaming. when you feel empty. when someone lets you down. when you give your all and it goes to waste. that sigh of relief when you finally are able to get out of bed but don’t know what to do next. when you lose someone you can never get back. words left unsaid. when things don’t go how you planned.

I’m sure you have felt or experienced one of these, if not all. I know in my 20 years of living (almost 21!) I have. Most of us has been through something that has broken us, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. And I know that for a lot of you that brokenness is still very much raw and difficult to deal with. I am writing this because I believe that we are all broken. We have flaws, we make mistakes, we are not perfect, we are human. As I get older, it is becoming more evident to me that the only thing that gives hope for the healing of this brokenness is Jesus. You see in a world where people self medicate with drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever, it gives people a false sense of healing and only adds to the brokenness of their lives. Avoiding the cause of the pain and doing everything they can to avoid the cure. People think that they are too messed up to ever be “fixed” or that they are too far gone. They get trapped in the snare of self-pity and think “why me?”. I used to be so ashamed of my brokenness that I was scared to open up my Bible because I felt like I wasn’t worthy to read it. I wasn’t worthy or good enough to talk to God. I was too messed up, He doesn’t want me. He wouldn’t understand. I have to get right with God before I read His word…I don’t know if I was scared of what I knew the Bible already said, or if I was more fearful of what I didn’t know it would tell me. I let pride get in the way and I purposely wouldn’t read the Bible because I didn’t want to read about how broken I was or how I needed to fix it. I didn’t want to hear it. I just prayed that God would make me feel less broken and alleviate the pain, not realizing that I was holding the very book that was specially made for people like me. The Bible is filled with broken people, in fact that is what almost every page consists of. Broken people who needed a Savior to make them whole. Broken people who boasted in their weaknesses, Christ making them strong. Broken people who time and time again walked away from Jesus only to be welcomed back into His loving arms, always.

You see, the Bible is filled with broken people who needed the saving grace of a Savior, named Jesus. I believe God purposely used people who didn’t have it all together, to carry out His will, which only magnified His glory all the more. My brokenness and weaknesses make me realize I need Jesus to make me whole. Nothing in this world brings me satisfaction or healing apart from Jesus. And by reading God’s word, it gives me hope that God is still using me to carry out His plan. I am glad I don’t have to pretend I have it all together because Lord knows I don’t. I don’t pretend to have it all together because when I rely and put my faith in Jesus, He takes the pressure off of me. You see it was never about me or how hard I tried. It was never about the people in the Bible who failed or succeeded in doing what God told them to do. It was about a man with scars on His hands and a crown on His head. And still is. It is not about how well I perform for Jesus (because I am sinful and will always fall astray), it is about His performance for me (His perfect performance). And let me tell ya, dying on the cross for me when HE knew I could have chosen not to love Him back is proof enough. There He was carrying that cross on Calvary knowing full well I would chose things, people, and whatever else instead of Him, and He still went. And the fact that He still loves and pursues me on the daily? My oh my the goodness of God is overwhelming. The very essence of my existence is because of Jesus. He is the reason we are here, to encounter His love. And it is because Jesus sacrificed Himself for us, we don’t have to be perfect. If we fought for our rights, we’d be in hell tonight. And that is good news (that through faith, we are saved). So embrace the brokenness and let the light of Jesus shine in the darkest parts of your soul. I know it is hard. I know it feels like you can’t go on, and things won’t change for the better. Remember that when you chose to follow Christ that you chose the harder path that would bear more fruit. Do not forget that. You don’t want the easy path, that won’t let you experience the deepest joy. Just know that you experience nothing in vain because of the pain Jesus went through on that cross. Have faith. God is with you right now, upholding you with His righteous right hand, don’t be afraid (Isaiah 41:10). Let go of trying to be good enough and accept that you’re not. Strive to live for Jesus and know that even if you do mess up, He loves you just the same. Live loved, rather than trying to live to be loved (because He loves you unconditionally).

Acknowledge that His love and healing can make you whole. I still get teary eyed just thinking about how much He loves us. My sick, broken, wicked heart. I am so thankful for who God is (my mind cannot even begin to grasp who He is, not even the slightest) but anyhow I praise God because He is good and perfect and Almighty. Every day I wake up and know that I am loved and pursued and understood by my Savior fills my heart with unbreakable joy. Jesus died for me knowing I might never love Him back, and that is true love. I thank God for my brokenness because it serves as a reminder that I need Him and will always need Him, and to think for one second I don’t, is foolish.

The evidence is all around, that the Spirit of the Lord is here.

 

He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s