my sister’s getting married, and i’m not…and that’s okay

Yay! I’m finally writing my second blog post and couldn’t be more excited about it. Today and the day before and the day before that, and the day before that have been really exhausting…mentally and emotionally. Actually, this whole month has been pretty tough. No wait, this whole year and a half. I mean 2 years. You catch my drift. By the grace of Jesus, He has given me blessing after blessing & trial after trial and I really believe that it is because He is not merely testing my faith to see the strength of it (because He already knows the strength of my faith) but rather testing my faith so I can be reminded how weak my house of cards is…Yeah, I’ve been knocked down too many times to count in my walk with the Lord, but when I see how my faith withstands (or crumbles) during these difficulties, it allows me to improve in areas that I would not have otherwise known, needed renovations. So I am thankful for the hardships, but recently my level of anxiety has skyrocketed (yes I have anxiety, judge me) and I have been doing my best to keep it and the negative thoughts at bay. I’ll talk about my struggle with anxiety in a later post, but for now I’ll just give you the hilights…Here are some things that are currently causing me anxiety:

  • moving into a new house with my family (I am still adjusting)
  • transferring colleges (maybe)
  • choosing a degree (seriously I love God, and would love to pursue seminary or a bible degree)
  • finding a “home” church community where I can fully give myself to the work of God
  • moving out in August (shouts to erica)
  • change in general
  • finding the ‘one’
  • preparing myself to be the ‘one’ for my future husband
  • not being good enough for people (yep its an insecurity, woah hannah’s being vulnerable here, watch out)
  • not knowing what to do or where God wants me to go
  • I am terrified of being successful at things that don’t matter (I want to live this life for the next life after this (eternal life with the Creator) and so worldly successes and achievements do not matter to me…I am focused on being successful at the things that matter in the spiritual realm like loving God, loving people, and making disciples)
  • complacency (we are at war with this and what you tolerate, continues)
  • hoping my husband loves Jesus as much as I do and is a man after God’s own heart (yes i pray literally every day for him, wherever he is)
  • never being understood

I could go on and on, but I said I would just list a few that have been on my mind recently.

Whew! You are probably thinking oh my gosh she is crazy, what is going on in her mind…And you’re right, I may be crazy for being anxious about these things, but that’s just me. But I promise there is method in this madness (which I will discuss in later posts about my anxiety that the Lord has so graciously blessed me with, and I am being serious here).

Okay so now you’ve got some sort of an idea about my mental state, the emotionally and mentally drained part that is. Despite being tired, I will say that God has really been my sustainer, the root that gives me life when I feel so overwhelmed or ‘dead’ inside, so to speak. The Spirit fills me with joy and peace as I am about to open up and talk about a part of my life that has probably been the hardest thing I have ever gone through thus far, but also it was the closest I have ever been to my Lord and Savior, Jesus. And I must start out with saying that God is good, no matter what and I believe that with every fiber of my being.

If you know me, or know of me, you probably know that I got engaged 2 years ago. Long story short that was totally not the man God wanted me to marry, he wasn’t even a man of God and I knew that before I got engaged, but didn’t listen to the convictions of the Spirit and pursued something that would only bring me hurt, more and more excruciating pain, to the point where I thought I was never going to recover from being so torn on the inside. Sanctifyin’ surgery miss hannah.  Yeah, yeah, whatever, I know that now. ANYWAYS, God saved me from a marriage that would undoubtedly have led to divorce, more heartache, and more pain. I did not deserve His saving grace through this circumstance, I fought Him every step of the way. My heart wanted this relationship to work, after all I loved him. And if God wasn’t going to help me, then I was going to make it work despite what the Spirit was telling me or what I already knew. I had walked away from God and was chasing after a man who had a worldly heart, who said he followed God but didn’t even resemble the Son. Looking back, all I can do is shake my head and scream, “what the heck was I thinking?”. I had been eating sand for so long in that relationship, when God was right there the whole time with water waiting for me to drink it, but that sand tasted so good to me because I was sinking in it and it had consumed me, it was familiar to me (maybe I had grown so used to the pain I didn’t even care at that point). But the whole time I was eating that sand, there had always been this unquenchable thirst that would not go away. I didn’t want that water because I didn’t know what it would cost me, so I just suppressed the thirst within me. Actually I knew exactly what it would cost me, it would cost me the sand that I had been fed and was still subject to, I couldn’t live without it and that was something I wasn’t ready to give up.

Oh Lordy, Jesus why are you doing this to me??

You see, that unquenchable thirst could only have been satisfied by Jesus. I had replaced God in my life with a human being, and when I made a person my everything, when they left  I felt completely broken. And all of that could have easily been avoided if I had just kept Jesus number one in my life, if I had pursued God and not things or people of this world, if I had listened to the whispers of the Spirit, if I had only obeyed God, if only… but then again, I am flawed, I am a sinner, I mess up, I make mistakes, and that is why I so desperately need Jesus. It makes me cry just thinking about wanting something so bad that was hurting me even worse, when Jesus was patiently standing beside me the whole time waiting for me to come to Him. And when I didn’t come to Him, He took me into surgery and did some major things in my heart and in my life that would require a lengthy recovery time, but I would come out of that surgery better than I had been than when I had gone in. The love of God is so real, and I witnessed His love upfront when He saved me from the wrong one. I had Jesus in my heart the whole time, and once I stopped watering the soil I was rooted in, I allowed sin and nasty crap to enter my life and plague my heart. And instead of growing branches, I withered away. But Jesus saved me. I am so thankful that it did not work out the way I wanted it to at the time. What I prayed for, for so long did not work out in my favor, but PRAISE THE LORD it worked out in God’s favor instead. His will is so much better than mine. His ways are so much higher than mine. Maybe it took going through this really bad relationship/breakup for me to truly have a better, more clear understanding of how much God loves me, pursues me, keeps me on the path of righteousness and made me realize that I need not ever put my trust in man alone. Maybe it took having my heart shattered into pieces for me to finally drop the act and give my heart to God first and trust that He would take care of it, and trust Him with every aspect of my life. Maybe it took months of crying myself to sleep to realize that I deserve the best God has for me, and maybe it took things not working out the way I wanted them to for me to know that God is good no matter what and I don’t want things to work out my way, because HIS ways are perfect. Maybe the pain I experienced made me realize that when Jesus died for me knowing I might never love Him back, THAT was true love. That is the love I seek and so desperately need every day in my soul, my heart, my life. I need Jesus. I crave Jesus. I love Him with all my heart, my wicked, sinful heart. I am eternally grateful for what God did for me, to work things out for my good and for His glory. I was so selfish, but God showed me selfless love. I was so confident in myself, that Jesus had to remind me that He is in control and sovereign. I am filled with joy and thankfulness that God saved me from that. HE loves me so much, and once I tasted His sweet love, I can’t imagine settling for anything less. A year and a half later, here I am, alive, breathing, still praising the sweet name of Jesus. Thanking God for all He is, what He’s done, and trusting Him for what He is going to do with my life. Yeah, I know when I chose to follow Jesus it would require sacrifice. It would mean I needed to die to myself to live for something so much greater, setting aside my selfish desires, picking up my cross and following Him. It would mean that I would have to go down the difficult path in life, full of trials, but with the hope and promise that God is there, helping me, and loving me the whole way.

I am so undeserving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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